Saturday, October 13, 2007

Evaluations

As I sit here at 5:30am because my beloved son decided that he didn't need to sleep past 5, I'm beginning to really process what's been going on with him the past few weeks. Well, Peyton hasn't actually changed, but how I look at things and process them has.
Ever since he was a baby, Peyton has been a challenge. He was a high needs baby with his own schedule and needs, and completely unafraid to demand those needs. He hit his milestones really early, and so was moving and getting into things early. As a toddler, Peyton was curious, intelligent, and into absolutely everything. Any babyproofing we did was a temporary fix at best. I've consistently wondered how on earth I would get this child to adulthood.
Now, Peyton is the most wonderful whirlwind I've ever known. Yet, things continue to be difficult. We'll have times where everything seems perfect, and other times when I am at my wits end. It scares me that he cannot get along with other children, because I know he likes them. He likes people, he wants to know you. He just has to have things his way, his terms, otherwise he cannot handle it. No matter what I do, I cannot get through to him, and yet I see his eyes when he has acted out. He's upset with himself, and frustrated, because he wants so much to do right. We're all tired and hurting.
Because of this I've made the decision to have Peyton evaluated for Speech, OT (for sensory issues) and Behaviorally. We are several steps into the process for Behavior, and the doctor is talking to us like we're parents of a child with some form of ASD. I know Speech will be delayed, I predict some sensory issues, which would go with ASD, if it's there. No official diagnosis yet, but I can't help but feel that something is coming.
I'm scared. I have never ever given a second thought about having a child with special needs. Someday I will teach Special Ed, and I've discussed adopting a special needs child. Yet, this is different, because it's my son. I look into his future and wonder what it will hold. I don't want the hurt and the struggle that comes from being "odd" for him. I want him to know a carefree childhood, and the joy of innocence. I keep waiting for an official diagnosis, because I refuse to jump ahead, but I'm scared, and I'm even grieving a little. But, Peyton, I love you!!!! I will be by your side, I will fight with and for you, and I will be there for you. Your are my child, my baby. You are my heart. Love, Mommy.

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